So our next door neighbours belonged to this swimming club. I was already a member of the lifesaving club. One of the first ones to sign up actually. We had gone to the swimming club a couple of times in the hope of getting in on the free swim at the end of the night. But eventually Iwanted to actually join the club and start swimming
Of course, the fact that Mark was a member was a definate influence!!!! Mark Youitt was this guy I had met at the church that was behind where we lived. Ihad the biggest crush on him for years, and even now 30+ years later, my heart still gives a little flutter when I think of him.
So we joined the swimming club, and the training squad. I loved swimming, still do. Do a lot of thining when I am swimming. Wasn't a very fast swimmer. although given time, I may have been. There is a freedom I feel when in the water that I have not experienced at any other time. Maybe its the whole reliving the time in the womb thing who knows.
So in October 1981, I was 15, I met Darren Raetz. He was my first real boyfriend, and the first guy I ever had sex with. I liked him. Then in December 1981 we left QLD and moved to Canberra. Dad had moved there a few years beforehand, and we were basically seeing him every 8 months. Mum decided this wasn't suitable, so packed the five of us up and moved. I didn't want to go, had only been seeing Darren six weeks. Didn't want to loose my friends, especially Tony.
I had met Tony earlier that year. A year older than me, he was in a friends class. I had a huge crush on him. But he didn't see me that way, just as a friend. I would get butterflies in my stomach whenever he was around. He did not find out for a couple of years how I felt.
So now I am living in Canberra, and I met Robert Langridge. He lived a couple of doors up from us, about three years older than me, and he was one of the most attractive men I had ever seen. Okay so I was 15 but he was still a honey. It was Robert that introduced me to oral sex. Can't say I enjoyed my first experience with that, but I was willing to try again!!!! Again being with im gave me butterflies, and I didn't get much sleep the night he kissed me the first time. It was incredible, stirred feelings in me I had never had before. Anyway, I thought we were going somewhere, when I found out he was doing the same to another girl that he was doing to me, only she had bigger boobs. So I basically stopped seeing him. Never went to his house again. And he never kissed me again after I found out about Pam. We moved house about six months after we first moved there, so there wasn't much chance to see him anyway.
I had finished grade 10 while still in QLD, and was going to Junior College in Canberra, which are years 11 and 12. Longer hours than normal high school. Its meant to prepare you for the work force or uni. It didn't really.
Graduated from grade 12 in 1983. did some temp work and finally started working for the Dept of Defence in May 1984. had a few men in my life, including Colin. I met him in Jan 1984, we started dating straight away. i had actually met him before, but nothing happened at the time, I think he had a girlfriend then anyway. He had joined the airforce, got his hair cut, and was quite appealing. He was living in Melbourne and going to training school there, an 8 hour drive away. So we didn't see each other much, basically jujst every other weekend when he got paid. So for the six months we dated, I saw him a total of 32 days. He asked me to marry him at one stage. My second proposal. Nothing ever came of it. He got transferred to Perth and we broke up. Still kept writing to me and telling me he loved me and wanted us to be together. Then I found out he not onlyhad a girlfriend in Perth, but a fiance in Melbourne. Never found out if he was dating her while seeing me. But somehow I think he was. Maybe this is where my distrust of men came from. I was all ready to quit work and move to Perth, I was 18. Then I found out about the other women, and i was just devestated.
My dosh, the memories I am having. a lot of things are starting to make sense now. First my father leaves me, then Stan abuses me........... I didn't realise I even remember his name....... then Colin cheats on me. Need some time to lelet this soak in. Chapter 5 will cover from 18 to 20 Ithink.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The sexual abuse
Okay, so what happened to me is not bad compared to what a lot of people have been through. But all abuse affects the abused in some way. So this is what happened to me.
I guess I was about 12 years old. It was after my dad left and before I started swimming, so lets say 12.
My sister had this class mate Brett, who had an older brother Darryl, who was about a year younger than me. Being the '70s we went around to each others houses quite often to play. They lived just around the corner so not a problem. My sister and I had been going around there on and off for a couple of months. Always their mother was there, but not their father.
Until one day. Nicky and I went around to play and their mother wasn't home, just their Dad and them. So the four of us were playing and Dad was watching TV. At some point we decided to play hide and seek. A perfectly innocent game. Anyway, I was IT. the other three took off to hide while i counted. I remember their Dad walking in and he said something but I have no memory of what. anyway, next thing I know, I am lying on Darryl's bed and his father is on top of me. Fully clothed. He didn't touch me, he was about to say something when he heard the boys so he got and walked out the room.
I really didin't think much of it at the time, it didn't last long, a couple of seconds at most.
Sometime later, could have been a couple of days, maybe weeks, I don't know. Nicky and I were around there again playing. Their mother and father were there, so no worries. Then the mother went out. Again we decided to play hide and seek. This time though, the father grabbed me and pulled me into his bedroom. Virtually threw me on the bed and just laid on top of me. This time it lasted a couple of minutes. At first again it didn't worry me, but I started getting uncomfortable, and I started feeling what I later realised to be his erection. I vaguely remember his hand on my chest, I was even then developed. I remember him moving his hips............. oh my god, the more I think about this and remember, I find I am remembering more details. I can see his face above me, and that horrible moustache. I have never liked men with that sort of mo and now I know why. his hand is on my chest, squeezing, what is he doing???........... now its moving down my side and over my hip.this doesn't feel right He is rocking against mewhat is he doing? why is there something hard agains tme now. His hand is on my leg now, I can feel his hand at the bottom of my shorts.... I am scared, why is he doing this????. I gotta get out of here, this is wrong, he shouldn't be doing this. I am scared, why is he doing this........... please someone help me, get him off of me. Whats that sound... is that a car....... Darryl's mum is home... he is stopping, he is getting off of me, I gotta get out of here. where is Nicky....... gotta get Nicky and go. nicky where are you, we are leaving now. no arguments, we are going.... we are walking through the door and Darryls mum is talking to us.. but we are leaving, out on the street,,,,,, we are safe...... I am safe........ I am not going back there anymore....... Tell Nicky,,,,, no you can't go back, Darryl and brett will have to come to our place. We are home, Mum mustn't know, I can't tell her..... I don't know why he did that...... calm down... act normal...... Mum is suggesting going for a swim, great................
I need to relive this in my mind to come to terms with this. going to leave this for a few minutes and come back.
okay I am back. Had smoke and thought about this........ I feel very dirty right now, and sickened. I know it wasn't my fault, I know it was just a creep.
A few years later, right before we left Queensland I heard that they had a daughter together and I remember thinking I hope he doesn't do to her what he did to me.
I don't think this has affected me. I forgot about it for the longest time.... it was only when talking to someone at work one time about 10 yars later that I remembered it.
I do now wonder whether it affected my first sexual experiences. It was a long time before I discovered the pleasure that my body can give and receive. I enjoy sex, and I hope that remembering this is not going to affect me in the future. I don't think so. I know that a mans touch can be made with feeling and care, not just the sick lust that he had.
Has this affected my attitude to sex? No. again, I know what a wonderful experience sex can be.
So another reason I don't trust men. But this one is going to be easier to get past.
I guess I was about 12 years old. It was after my dad left and before I started swimming, so lets say 12.
My sister had this class mate Brett, who had an older brother Darryl, who was about a year younger than me. Being the '70s we went around to each others houses quite often to play. They lived just around the corner so not a problem. My sister and I had been going around there on and off for a couple of months. Always their mother was there, but not their father.
Until one day. Nicky and I went around to play and their mother wasn't home, just their Dad and them. So the four of us were playing and Dad was watching TV. At some point we decided to play hide and seek. A perfectly innocent game. Anyway, I was IT. the other three took off to hide while i counted. I remember their Dad walking in and he said something but I have no memory of what. anyway, next thing I know, I am lying on Darryl's bed and his father is on top of me. Fully clothed. He didn't touch me, he was about to say something when he heard the boys so he got and walked out the room.
I really didin't think much of it at the time, it didn't last long, a couple of seconds at most.
Sometime later, could have been a couple of days, maybe weeks, I don't know. Nicky and I were around there again playing. Their mother and father were there, so no worries. Then the mother went out. Again we decided to play hide and seek. This time though, the father grabbed me and pulled me into his bedroom. Virtually threw me on the bed and just laid on top of me. This time it lasted a couple of minutes. At first again it didn't worry me, but I started getting uncomfortable, and I started feeling what I later realised to be his erection. I vaguely remember his hand on my chest, I was even then developed. I remember him moving his hips............. oh my god, the more I think about this and remember, I find I am remembering more details. I can see his face above me, and that horrible moustache. I have never liked men with that sort of mo and now I know why. his hand is on my chest, squeezing, what is he doing???........... now its moving down my side and over my hip.this doesn't feel right He is rocking against mewhat is he doing? why is there something hard agains tme now. His hand is on my leg now, I can feel his hand at the bottom of my shorts.... I am scared, why is he doing this????. I gotta get out of here, this is wrong, he shouldn't be doing this. I am scared, why is he doing this........... please someone help me, get him off of me. Whats that sound... is that a car....... Darryl's mum is home... he is stopping, he is getting off of me, I gotta get out of here. where is Nicky....... gotta get Nicky and go. nicky where are you, we are leaving now. no arguments, we are going.... we are walking through the door and Darryls mum is talking to us.. but we are leaving, out on the street,,,,,, we are safe...... I am safe........ I am not going back there anymore....... Tell Nicky,,,,, no you can't go back, Darryl and brett will have to come to our place. We are home, Mum mustn't know, I can't tell her..... I don't know why he did that...... calm down... act normal...... Mum is suggesting going for a swim, great................
I need to relive this in my mind to come to terms with this. going to leave this for a few minutes and come back.
okay I am back. Had smoke and thought about this........ I feel very dirty right now, and sickened. I know it wasn't my fault, I know it was just a creep.
A few years later, right before we left Queensland I heard that they had a daughter together and I remember thinking I hope he doesn't do to her what he did to me.
I don't think this has affected me. I forgot about it for the longest time.... it was only when talking to someone at work one time about 10 yars later that I remembered it.
I do now wonder whether it affected my first sexual experiences. It was a long time before I discovered the pleasure that my body can give and receive. I enjoy sex, and I hope that remembering this is not going to affect me in the future. I don't think so. I know that a mans touch can be made with feeling and care, not just the sick lust that he had.
Has this affected my attitude to sex? No. again, I know what a wonderful experience sex can be.
So another reason I don't trust men. But this one is going to be easier to get past.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Chapter 2, My father.
My most vivid memory is from 23rd March 1977. My father had been away on a bowling trip to Melbourne. He came home and a few hours later left again. I vividly remember my mother coming into my room and telling me that Daddy was leaving us and that I would have to be the second adult from now on. My mother has no memory of this, but i can see it clearly. My childhood ended that night, and I was notto know the affect it would have on my teenage years.
My mother has a bad back, so try as she might, I was asked to help out with a lot of the housework. tough on a 10 year old. Being asked to look after three younger sibling can suck too. But there is was, 10 years old, and I was a surrogate mother. i never complained at the time It was normal for me. But now I resent the fact that at 10 I was asked to do those things. i should never have been expected to carry the weight that my father basically put on me. his leaving ruined any chance I had of being a normal teenager. It was only later in life that I realised this. When I realised that my life wasn't normal, that others weren't expected to look after their siblings, or cook meals or do lots of housework. I hate my father for doing that to me and my mother for allowing it to happen. Its horrible to say, but there it is. I should never have been expected to do that. I lost my childhood because my fucking father couldn't keep his dick in his pants. i resented my younger siblings because they were the reason i had to stay at home and not go out and play with my friends. I was expected to give up things so that they could have things. This continuede for years.
OMG I truly hate my father for doing this to me. I s it hardly surprising that deep down I cannot trust men???? The one man that I should have been able to count on screwed me over. I love my father, but for doing this to me I hatehim. I hate him I hate him I hate him. A girl should always be able to trust her daddy, but i don't. He would come and pick us up at some ridiculous time in the afternoon when we were supposed to spend the day withhim. All because ofSue!!! i even wanted tomove there once, and was allowed to spend the weekend but ended up deciding not to. But my dad said I couldn't move there anyway cause Sue didn't want me there. Which was fine cause again I was expected tolook after a kid that wasn't mine while the adults did sweet FA. My father didn not want me around, his own flesh and blood, the womanhe was fucking was more important. They even moved away at one stage, to a place that was a 16 hour drive away. Talk about deserting your family!!! we saw him once a year until we moved where he was. Then I had to give upmy friends, my home, my life, because he was an asshole. The things we had to give up becauseof hoim.
How can a father do this to his children? to his daughter? Was he rally so self centred that we meant nothing to him?? I hate him, I hate Sue.
And talk about fucked up living arrangemnts. My dad lived with Sue, her daughter Vanessa, and Vanessa's father Kerry, who remained legallymarried to Sue until Dad and her broke up quite a few years later when Sue found someone younger and richer. Is it hardly surprising that my views on marriage are screwy when you look at my role model???????
At least one good came out of this, I am 100% totally devoted to my son and nothing and nooone will EVER EVER be put before him. As much as I may care about a man, my son will always come first. His needs, his wants, what is best for him. Not me, but him. And any man that cannot understand that is not worth my time.
I think I am going to go have a really good cry right now. Then come back and read this again and again, until I can look at it without crying anhymore.
Michael, thank you.
My mother has a bad back, so try as she might, I was asked to help out with a lot of the housework. tough on a 10 year old. Being asked to look after three younger sibling can suck too. But there is was, 10 years old, and I was a surrogate mother. i never complained at the time It was normal for me. But now I resent the fact that at 10 I was asked to do those things. i should never have been expected to carry the weight that my father basically put on me. his leaving ruined any chance I had of being a normal teenager. It was only later in life that I realised this. When I realised that my life wasn't normal, that others weren't expected to look after their siblings, or cook meals or do lots of housework. I hate my father for doing that to me and my mother for allowing it to happen. Its horrible to say, but there it is. I should never have been expected to do that. I lost my childhood because my fucking father couldn't keep his dick in his pants. i resented my younger siblings because they were the reason i had to stay at home and not go out and play with my friends. I was expected to give up things so that they could have things. This continuede for years.
OMG I truly hate my father for doing this to me. I s it hardly surprising that deep down I cannot trust men???? The one man that I should have been able to count on screwed me over. I love my father, but for doing this to me I hatehim. I hate him I hate him I hate him. A girl should always be able to trust her daddy, but i don't. He would come and pick us up at some ridiculous time in the afternoon when we were supposed to spend the day withhim. All because ofSue!!! i even wanted tomove there once, and was allowed to spend the weekend but ended up deciding not to. But my dad said I couldn't move there anyway cause Sue didn't want me there. Which was fine cause again I was expected tolook after a kid that wasn't mine while the adults did sweet FA. My father didn not want me around, his own flesh and blood, the womanhe was fucking was more important. They even moved away at one stage, to a place that was a 16 hour drive away. Talk about deserting your family!!! we saw him once a year until we moved where he was. Then I had to give upmy friends, my home, my life, because he was an asshole. The things we had to give up becauseof hoim.
How can a father do this to his children? to his daughter? Was he rally so self centred that we meant nothing to him?? I hate him, I hate Sue.
And talk about fucked up living arrangemnts. My dad lived with Sue, her daughter Vanessa, and Vanessa's father Kerry, who remained legallymarried to Sue until Dad and her broke up quite a few years later when Sue found someone younger and richer. Is it hardly surprising that my views on marriage are screwy when you look at my role model???????
At least one good came out of this, I am 100% totally devoted to my son and nothing and nooone will EVER EVER be put before him. As much as I may care about a man, my son will always come first. His needs, his wants, what is best for him. Not me, but him. And any man that cannot understand that is not worth my time.
I think I am going to go have a really good cry right now. Then come back and read this again and again, until I can look at it without crying anhymore.
Michael, thank you.
Chapter 1, the first decade
I was born at 11:50pm on August 6, 1966 in Colchester, Essex, UK. My parents Tony and Christine were about to celebrate their first wedding anniversary. I am the eldest of four children. My sister Nicola arrived in Jan 69, brother Kevin Mar 71 and the pain of the family Richard in Oct 73.
I don't remember much about England. Bits and pieces. Going berry picking. Talking to the paper girl one day while she was doing her run. Followed her for most of the run and then just walked home again, I must of been about 4 or 5 years old!!!. Other memories like deciding to make Mum and Dad breakfast one morning, and dropping at least one egg. slipping over on the icey footpath as we were going over the road. Going to a friends house and watching this guy dip a biscuit into his coffee and putting the whole thing in his mouth. Walking to the shops with my cousin Karen and having to walk past this big dog that always barked. Getting grilled when we got home because we had bought some sweets while getting the sugar we were supposed to buy.
One of my most vivid memories is of standing on the front door step of this house with at three other girls, one I know was my cousin, the other two were probably my sister Nicola, and our other cousin Denise. But I remember singing with Karen. don't quite remember the song, but this was the '60's!!!! I only last year found out that the house I remember was my Uncle Chris and Aunt Angelas place.
We moved to Australia in November 1971. I remember bits and pieces of the flight. like going to sleep in one seat and waking up four rows in front of where Iwent to sleep and on the other side of the plane!!! I also remember Hong Kong airport, at least I am told thats where it was. I have been told that I moped around for my grandfather for months afterwards. My mothers father and I were very close, unfortunately I have no memory of him alive. The first man in my life to leave me!!!! I remember Mum getting the phone call that Granddad had died and being upset.
I remember being teased in school about my accent. I had a very broad accent when I first arrived, and a lot of people had problems understanding me. I also remember telling my teacher that we had finally got the phone on!!! Strange what we remember. The next few years are scattered memories that don't really mean much. joined the Brownies when I was 9. Some memories of that!!!
So thats the first 10 years, Pretty normal childhood. The next 10 years wewre totally different.
I don't remember much about England. Bits and pieces. Going berry picking. Talking to the paper girl one day while she was doing her run. Followed her for most of the run and then just walked home again, I must of been about 4 or 5 years old!!!. Other memories like deciding to make Mum and Dad breakfast one morning, and dropping at least one egg. slipping over on the icey footpath as we were going over the road. Going to a friends house and watching this guy dip a biscuit into his coffee and putting the whole thing in his mouth. Walking to the shops with my cousin Karen and having to walk past this big dog that always barked. Getting grilled when we got home because we had bought some sweets while getting the sugar we were supposed to buy.
One of my most vivid memories is of standing on the front door step of this house with at three other girls, one I know was my cousin, the other two were probably my sister Nicola, and our other cousin Denise. But I remember singing with Karen. don't quite remember the song, but this was the '60's!!!! I only last year found out that the house I remember was my Uncle Chris and Aunt Angelas place.
We moved to Australia in November 1971. I remember bits and pieces of the flight. like going to sleep in one seat and waking up four rows in front of where Iwent to sleep and on the other side of the plane!!! I also remember Hong Kong airport, at least I am told thats where it was. I have been told that I moped around for my grandfather for months afterwards. My mothers father and I were very close, unfortunately I have no memory of him alive. The first man in my life to leave me!!!! I remember Mum getting the phone call that Granddad had died and being upset.
I remember being teased in school about my accent. I had a very broad accent when I first arrived, and a lot of people had problems understanding me. I also remember telling my teacher that we had finally got the phone on!!! Strange what we remember. The next few years are scattered memories that don't really mean much. joined the Brownies when I was 9. Some memories of that!!!
So thats the first 10 years, Pretty normal childhood. The next 10 years wewre totally different.
Background
I have come to realise over the last few days and weeks, that perhaps my emotions are not what they should be. I love my son, my family and my friends, and would do anything for them. But I do not believe I have ever been in love. I have been married twice, and thought I was in love, only to realise that I wasn't, that I loved them, but was not in love with them. And I do not think its a case of just not having met the right person.
I am now at the stage where I do not believe I am capable of falling in love with anyone. After talking to a dear friend, I have come to realise that I am not allowing myself to fall in love. So my blog is going to be my road to self discovery. I am pretty sure I know why this has happened to me, and I am hoping getting it out will start the healing process.
going to be a lot of hard truths coming out on this. Hope anyone who reads this is prepared.
I am now at the stage where I do not believe I am capable of falling in love with anyone. After talking to a dear friend, I have come to realise that I am not allowing myself to fall in love. So my blog is going to be my road to self discovery. I am pretty sure I know why this has happened to me, and I am hoping getting it out will start the healing process.
going to be a lot of hard truths coming out on this. Hope anyone who reads this is prepared.
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