Chapter 2, My father.

My most vivid memory is from 23rd March 1977. My father had been away on a bowling trip to Melbourne. He came home and a few hours later left again. I vividly remember my mother coming into my room and telling me that Daddy was leaving us and that I would have to be the second adult from now on. My mother has no memory of this, but i can see it clearly. My childhood ended that night, and I was notto know the affect it would have on my teenage years.

My mother has a bad back, so try as she might, I was asked to help out with a lot of the housework. tough on a 10 year old. Being asked to look after three younger sibling can suck too. But there is was, 10 years old, and I was a surrogate mother. i never complained at the time It was normal for me. But now I resent the fact that at 10 I was asked to do those things. i should never have been expected to carry the weight that my father basically put on me. his leaving ruined any chance I had of being a normal teenager. It was only later in life that I realised this. When I realised that my life wasn't normal, that others weren't expected to look after their siblings, or cook meals or do lots of housework. I hate my father for doing that to me and my mother for allowing it to happen. Its horrible to say, but there it is. I should never have been expected to do that. I lost my childhood because my fucking father couldn't keep his dick in his pants. i resented my younger siblings because they were the reason i had to stay at home and not go out and play with my friends. I was expected to give up things so that they could have things. This continuede for years.

OMG I truly hate my father for doing this to me. I s it hardly surprising that deep down I cannot trust men???? The one man that I should have been able to count on screwed me over. I love my father, but for doing this to me I hatehim. I hate him I hate him I hate him. A girl should always be able to trust her daddy, but i don't. He would come and pick us up at some ridiculous time in the afternoon when we were supposed to spend the day withhim. All because ofSue!!! i even wanted tomove there once, and was allowed to spend the weekend but ended up deciding not to. But my dad said I couldn't move there anyway cause Sue didn't want me there. Which was fine cause again I was expected tolook after a kid that wasn't mine while the adults did sweet FA. My father didn not want me around, his own flesh and blood, the womanhe was fucking was more important. They even moved away at one stage, to a place that was a 16 hour drive away. Talk about deserting your family!!! we saw him once a year until we moved where he was. Then I had to give upmy friends, my home, my life, because he was an asshole. The things we had to give up becauseof hoim.

How can a father do this to his children? to his daughter? Was he rally so self centred that we meant nothing to him?? I hate him, I hate Sue.

And talk about fucked up living arrangemnts. My dad lived with Sue, her daughter Vanessa, and Vanessa's father Kerry, who remained legallymarried to Sue until Dad and her broke up quite a few years later when Sue found someone younger and richer. Is it hardly surprising that my views on marriage are screwy when you look at my role model???????

At least one good came out of this, I am 100% totally devoted to my son and nothing and nooone will EVER EVER be put before him. As much as I may care about a man, my son will always come first. His needs, his wants, what is best for him. Not me, but him. And any man that cannot understand that is not worth my time.

I think I am going to go have a really good cry right now. Then come back and read this again and again, until I can look at it without crying anhymore.

Michael, thank you.

Chapter 1, the first decade

I was born at 11:50pm on August 6, 1966 in Colchester, Essex, UK. My parents Tony and Christine were about to celebrate their first wedding anniversary. I am the eldest of four children. My sister Nicola arrived in Jan 69, brother Kevin Mar 71 and the pain of the family Richard in Oct 73.

I don't remember much about England. Bits and pieces. Going berry picking. Talking to the paper girl one day while she was doing her run. Followed her for most of the run and then just walked home again, I must of been about 4 or 5 years old!!!. Other memories like deciding to make Mum and Dad breakfast one morning, and dropping at least one egg. slipping over on the icey footpath as we were going over the road. Going to a friends house and watching this guy dip a biscuit into his coffee and putting the whole thing in his mouth. Walking to the shops with my cousin Karen and having to walk past this big dog that always barked. Getting grilled when we got home because we had bought some sweets while getting the sugar we were supposed to buy.

One of my most vivid memories is of standing on the front door step of this house with at three other girls, one I know was my cousin, the other two were probably my sister Nicola, and our other cousin Denise. But I remember singing with Karen. don't quite remember the song, but this was the '60's!!!! I only last year found out that the house I remember was my Uncle Chris and Aunt Angelas place.

We moved to Australia in November 1971. I remember bits and pieces of the flight. like going to sleep in one seat and waking up four rows in front of where Iwent to sleep and on the other side of the plane!!! I also remember Hong Kong airport, at least I am told thats where it was. I have been told that I moped around for my grandfather for months afterwards. My mothers father and I were very close, unfortunately I have no memory of him alive. The first man in my life to leave me!!!! I remember Mum getting the phone call that Granddad had died and being upset.

I remember being teased in school about my accent. I had a very broad accent when I first arrived, and a lot of people had problems understanding me. I also remember telling my teacher that we had finally got the phone on!!! Strange what we remember. The next few years are scattered memories that don't really mean much. joined the Brownies when I was 9. Some memories of that!!!

So thats the first 10 years, Pretty normal childhood. The next 10 years wewre totally different.

Background

I have come to realise over the last few days and weeks, that perhaps my emotions are not what they should be. I love my son, my family and my friends, and would do anything for them. But I do not believe I have ever been in love. I have been married twice, and thought I was in love, only to realise that I wasn't, that I loved them, but was not in love with them. And I do not think its a case of just not having met the right person.

I am now at the stage where I do not believe I am capable of falling in love with anyone. After talking to a dear friend, I have come to realise that I am not allowing myself to fall in love. So my blog is going to be my road to self discovery. I am pretty sure I know why this has happened to me, and I am hoping getting it out will start the healing process.

going to be a lot of hard truths coming out on this. Hope anyone who reads this is prepared.